What Do You Want From My Life?!

My favorite is when he tries to eat the camcorder. Enjoy your holiday shopping!

Best Ever!

At Wal-Mart?! NO WAY!!

If you haven't heard, we've already had our first Black Friday death.

A 34-year-old Wal-Mart stock clerk was trampled to death this morning by over 200 people who just couldn't wait to get their hands on that piece of shit 27-inch HDTV.

I'm still shocked that this happened at a Wal-Mart. The people there are usually so intelligent and civilized. I just don't get it.

It's a Robe, Retards!

This is a pretty amazing invention. I can't tell you how many times I've had to put off doing something important because my arms were trapped under a blanket. NO MORE!

Nothing Says "We're Broke" Like a Private Jet!

This story needs absolutely no commentary at all.

Big Three CEOs Flew Private Jets to Plead for Public Funds

You Didn't Know What??

Hey! It turns out I'm not dead after all!!

Instead, I'm just floored at the fact that a guy could play quarterback for a professional football team for 10 years and not know that games could end in a tie. I mean, I only played until my sophomore year in high school, and I'm aware of ties.

Awesome.

What Cell Phone?

I'm always a little bit happier when I hear a story about someone putting something in their butt. And I especially like it when they're putting it in their butt in order to hide it. And then I really, really like it when someone puts something in their butt in order to hide it and then the cops end up finding it anyway.

Today is my lucky day.

Jeffrey Barrier allegedly used a cell phone camera to snap photos of a naked woman at a tanning salon Saturday and then hid the phone in his anus in a bid to thwart police. Standing on a chair, Barrier, 41, took the photos at Cincinnati's Aloha Tanning, where a 35-year-old woman was "in the nude in a tanning room," according to a Hamilton County Municipal Court affidavit. When cops later confronted Barrier, "he kept denying any involvement of the incident" and claimed to not have a camera. However, a second search of the suspect turned up the camera. As noted in a Hamilton County Sheriff's Office report, Barrier "did hide evidence in his anus." Barrier was charged with disorderly conduct for taking the photos and obstructing official business for hampering a police investigation. Barrier, due in court today, is free on $1500 bond.

I know it's just part of the job, but I find it amazing that the cops would even think to check in Jeff's butt. I mean, sure I'd search the guy to see if he had a camera. But I don't know if I'd ever get to the point where I'd look at my partner and say, "He seems clean, but I'm not leaving until I dig in his ass."

To each his own, I guess.

Light Them On Fire!
creepy guys who cram cell phones in their butt

Fibby McLyington Is A Liar, Turns Out

Well, well, well...who'd have thunk it?

Almost 8 years have gone by and there's been absolutely no reason to think that our president was a big, fat liar. But now, the Senate Intelligence Committee has come out with the final two sections of "Phase II" of the report on the Bush administration's use of prewar intelligence.

The conclusion of said report: your president is a big, fat liar.

"Before taking the country to war, this Administration owed it to the American people to give them a 100 percent accurate picture of the threat we faced. Unfortunately, our Committee has concluded that the Administration made significant claims that were not supported by the intelligence.

In making the case for war, the Administration repeatedly presented intelligence as fact when in reality it was unsubstantiated, contradicted, or even non-existent. As a result, the American people were led to believe that the threat from Iraq was much greater than actually existed. ... There is no question we all relied on flawed intelligence. But, there is a fundamental difference between relying on incorrect intelligence and deliberately painting a picture to the American people that you know is not fully accurate."

Here's a list of some of the bestest lies:

-- Statements and implications by the President and Secretary of State suggesting that Iraq and al-Qa'ida had a partnership, or that Iraq had provided al-Qa'ida with weapons training, were not substantiated by the intelligence.

-- Statements by the President and the Vice President indicating that Saddam Hussein was prepared to give weapons of mass destruction to terrorist groups for attacks against the United States were contradicted by available intelligence information.

-- Statements by the President and Vice President prior to the October 2002 National Intelligence Estimate regarding Iraq's chemical weapons production capability and activities did not reflect the intelligence community's uncertainties as to whether such production was ongoing.

There's more...oh, there's more. But I think you probably have enough bile in your mouth for one day.

Light Them On Fire!
the Bush administration

I Want Somebody To Fight My Smears!

The Obama camp has launched a new website called Fight the Smears. The website is dedicated to exposing or "fighting" all the lies or "smears" that have been circulating about Obama since he entered the presidential race.

Here's a little taste...

Smear:
Michelle Obama Says "Whitey" On a Tape

LIE: Rush Limbaugh says a tape exists of Michelle Obama using the word "whitey" from the pulpit of Trinity United

LIE: Blogger Larry Johnson writes "New and dramatic developments. This is a heads up. I'll post the news Monday morning by 0900 hours."

LIE: Proven GOP sleazemeister Roger Stone says he has "credible evidence that some indelible record exists" of a tape of Michelle Obama using the term "whitey."

LIE: Blogger: "Tape was filmed between June 26th - July 1st 2004 in Chicago, IL at the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition Conference at Trinity United Church: specifically the Women's Event."

The Truth: No such tape exists.

Really hits home, doesn't it? I think this is something I could benefit from.

Smear:
Ben Thietje Is A Total Loser

LIE: Ben collects an obscene amount of pornography.

LIE: Ben is a musical theatre fag-boy.

LIE: Ben lives with his parents.

LIE: Ben is balding.

The Truth: Ben enjoys musical theatre and women, is currently visiting his parents for an extended period of time, collects only enough pornography to "get by", and has only slightly less hair than when he attended college.

Light Them On Fire!
people who lie about Obama and my pornography usage